Hash 381 – The Cross Keys @ Great Bedwyn

This was our Grandfather Hash. Both GOM and Jeremy became grandfathers for the first time the previous week and the conversation around the route was dominated by advice from the older set of grand-parents giving advice to the young 60-year-olds. Who would believe it?

It was also the hash when Viv went down in a dramatic nose dive. Now I know she is the butt of all jokes when scribes are running out of content for the magazine but this time it is all true. It’s fair to say that she has graduated to become our real-life Samantha from “I am sorry I haven’t a clue” but this time without the apology and the clue is in the skid mark.

I have just been told over my shoulder that “deviation, repetition and hesitation” are inappropriate in a hash mag so I had better go back to the beginning.

We were in the wonderful village of Great Bedwyn courtesy of our grandfather hare, Jeremy. I mention the grandfather bit again as he laid a hash where the markings were impeccable as usual but when you have had a lot of angst during the previous week, deviation on a trail early on a Sunday morning is inevitable. We had a cracking run along the canal at an early stage, under a bridge with a circle and we headed out the several ways to find the markings. Colin was adamant that there were no marking back to the road and the bridge so we kept going along the canal.

At the next bridge there were no markings (not unlike the Irish lad who reported the theft of his bike to the police: “I came out of the pub and there it was, gone!”) so we doubled back. When we came to the previous bridge (well in fairness it was there all along – it’s like the silliness of asking what was the highest mountain in the world before Mount Everest was discovered) and who should we see putting down fresh flour markers only the new grandfather hare. Altercations amid alterations is all I have to say about it . . . !

It was a glorious day and a great relief for Brian as the previous hashes had been a wash out. I say relief as it never rained on a hash when I was GOM which I was at pains to remind him several times. But I did think it a bit over the top when Margaret, Mike and Jeremy jumped in and said it never rained on any of their hashes either.

The runners broke into two groups as usual. Colin and company off at a fair pace (including a very fit young Harriet well out there with the best of them), and the rest of us stopping now and then to admire the magnificent views. At a late stage we noticed a circle had not been kicked out and a bit further on another. Chuckle, chuckle, the fast runners had gone on a different route and we were now in front. They did catch up of course and admitted to more deviation. They had decided to lengthen the trail by running up the hill to the Windmill.

It was just in sight of the pub that Viv took that nose-dive I noted earlier. I was sorry I missed it as the news later was that it was quite dramatic, a swallow-dive but with rather a lot of swallow. She stopped her fall using her cheek bone and hurt herself badly. John looked shocked and threw a coat over her head and said he was taking her straight to the hospital so I can’t, for the magazine, describe the damage. I phoned her later. She was still able to talk in a kind of seductive whisper which in fairness I did put down to the fall. She hadn’t been to the hospital because she works in them and knows what really goes on there. She didn’t have any photos for the magazine unfortunately – what was John not thinking of? We ruminated in the pub afterwards and the general feeling was that she was getting on a bit and was not lifting her legs as high as she used to in the old days. We agreed one of us should stay back with her in future. First Mike, now Viv, it’s all becoming a bit sedate.

It would be discourteous not to note that there was never an accident when I was GOM – what’s that, Margaret, Mike and Jeremy? Oh, this was the first accident in the history of the KVHH. Dear, oh dear, only a few more years of this then.

Dear Maurice. This is without doubt the funniest hash mag I’ve read since tea this afternoon – GOM